Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)
When you are thinking about starting to attend chapter meetings of The Compassionate Friends, you probably will have many questions. Remember that you'll be among people who understand and care.
How do I know if it's too soon after my child's death to attend?
No one can say with certainty when is the right time to come to a meeting. Sometimes family members come shortly after the child has died while other times they wait longer. Some people who attend shortly after the child's death may decide not to come back until they're more ready. This is a personal decision.
Do I need a reservation before I come to a meeting?
No reservations are required, but we do encourage you to call us before attending your first meeting so that we can tell you what to expect. This will make your first meeting a more comforting experience.
When I go to a meeting, will I have to talk?
No one is required to talk at any meeting. We understand how difficult that can be when our grief is so fresh. We do ask that you listen, however.
Is there a charge to attend?
There is never a charge to attend a TCF meeting. Our chapters rely on voluntary donations from members, friends, and the community at large.
My child was an adult and didn't live at home. Can I still go to a meeting?
Chapter meetings are open to all families that have experienced the death of a child, at any age (including pre-birth), from any cause. Regardless of our child's age, we in TCF believe our children will always be thought of as just that . . . our children.
My spouse won't come with me. Can I come alone?
Yes. We all grieve differently and your spouse or significant other may not be ready to take part just yet . . . or ever.
Can I bring a friend with me the first time for support?
Of course, you can bring a friend, but we ask that they, as well as all members, respect each other's privacy. It is important for us to be able to share freely within our group and be sure confidences will be respected.
Do men attend meetings?
Yes. Many chapters are divided almost evenly between men and women while others are not. Men grieve, too, and are welcome to attend meetings for support.
What happens at a meeting?
Some meetings we simply introduce ourselves and share our thoughts and feelings. At other times, chapters have short programs before or after the sharing time. The programs may include a brief guest speaker, viewing a video tape, or listening to an audio tape or CD. Chapters usually have special months when they hold a balloon launch or have a memorial candle lighting.
My child died from __. Will I still be welcome?
Yes. All families that have experienced the death of a child at any age, from any cause, are welcome.
Religion doesn't matter to me anymore. Can people at a meeting accept that?
The Compassionate Friends has no religious affiliation. You will find TCF members are very tolerant of any views. After the death of a child, many priorities, as well as values, change.
I have babysitting problems. Would it be all right to bring my five-year-old with me?
To provide an relaxing atmosphere for all, we ask that all meeting attendees be at least 18 years old.
My child died seven years ago, and I postponed my grief work. Now it's catching up with me. Is it too late to come now?
We all grieve differently. Many parents don't feel the need for a support group until years after the death of a child. It's all right to come whenever you are ready, whether it's soon after your child's death, months later, or years later.
How long do people come to meetings?
People attend meetings until they no longer feel a need. Some attend just a few meetings while many come for years. Some are so thankful for the helpful support they've received that they stay to help in chapter leadership so they can be there for the next persons who walk through the doors seeking help.
Why is it that TCF recommends that I attend three meetings before deciding if it's for me?
Often, the first meeting brings a lot of emotions to the surface and this may make the first meeting difficult. Some say that they bring home the pain of others after listening to their stories. Attending three meetings gives you time enough to allow your emotions to even out and to understand that in sharing there is healing. By attending three meetings you will also be able to observe the different dynamics of the group as different members attend and share.
____________________________________________________________________________________________________
The Grieving Process
Grief is a normal response to loss. But because most of us experience it deeply only a few times in our lives, it can be frightening and confusing. Grief is a powerful and sometimes overwhelming experience. It has both emotional and physical effects on us. Because grief is such a personal process, there is no "right way" to grieve. The important thing is to allow our feelings to flow and to talk - talk with someone who can really listen and allow us the time we need to talk or cry. "Being strong" will only make matters more difficult. To grieve is like suddenly being pushed into a cold and swiftly flowing river in which there are rapids and rocks and logs and other submerged objects. As we are carried along in the current, we bump into things in the river. Some of them hurt a lot and some are just annoying. Just as not two persons floating in a river will bump into the exact same things, no two people who grieve will experience exactly the same things. If we do the work of grief, we will be able to swim to the bank and climb out of the river.
Normal Feelings While Grieving
A feeling of numbness - no feelings at all.
A sense of abandonment and desolation.
A sense of protest - "No, this did not happen."
Loss of appetite, an empty feeling in the stomach or "nervous eating" even when not hungry.
Difficulty sleeping.
Guilt - awareness of aspects in the relationship that were less than perfect.
A feeling of "If only. . ."
Anger - at God, at the people around us, at the person who died for leaving us, at those who took care of the one who died, at things which did or did not happen in the relationship.
Restlessness and a desire to be busy, but difficulty in concentrating or finishing what is started.
Aimless activity and forgetfulness.
Wondering if you are "going crazy."
Searching for or expecting the loved one to walk in the door or call on the phone; hearing his or her voice; seeing his or her face; frequent dreaming about the loved one.
A need to tell and retell the details of the death.
Crying at unexpected times and experiencing mood changes for minor reasons.
A desire to remember and talk about life experiences with the loved one.
An awareness that other people are uncomfortable around us and don't know what to say for fear of "upsetting us."
A desire "not to be a bother" to other family members, while at the same time, needing to express the feelings of loss.
Difficulty enjoying special days, like birthdays, weddings, anniversaries and holidays. Feelings of loss seem acute at these times.
How do I know if it's too soon after my child's death to attend?
No one can say with certainty when is the right time to come to a meeting. Sometimes family members come shortly after the child has died while other times they wait longer. Some people who attend shortly after the child's death may decide not to come back until they're more ready. This is a personal decision.
Do I need a reservation before I come to a meeting?
No reservations are required, but we do encourage you to call us before attending your first meeting so that we can tell you what to expect. This will make your first meeting a more comforting experience.
When I go to a meeting, will I have to talk?
No one is required to talk at any meeting. We understand how difficult that can be when our grief is so fresh. We do ask that you listen, however.
Is there a charge to attend?
There is never a charge to attend a TCF meeting. Our chapters rely on voluntary donations from members, friends, and the community at large.
My child was an adult and didn't live at home. Can I still go to a meeting?
Chapter meetings are open to all families that have experienced the death of a child, at any age (including pre-birth), from any cause. Regardless of our child's age, we in TCF believe our children will always be thought of as just that . . . our children.
My spouse won't come with me. Can I come alone?
Yes. We all grieve differently and your spouse or significant other may not be ready to take part just yet . . . or ever.
Can I bring a friend with me the first time for support?
Of course, you can bring a friend, but we ask that they, as well as all members, respect each other's privacy. It is important for us to be able to share freely within our group and be sure confidences will be respected.
Do men attend meetings?
Yes. Many chapters are divided almost evenly between men and women while others are not. Men grieve, too, and are welcome to attend meetings for support.
What happens at a meeting?
Some meetings we simply introduce ourselves and share our thoughts and feelings. At other times, chapters have short programs before or after the sharing time. The programs may include a brief guest speaker, viewing a video tape, or listening to an audio tape or CD. Chapters usually have special months when they hold a balloon launch or have a memorial candle lighting.
My child died from __. Will I still be welcome?
Yes. All families that have experienced the death of a child at any age, from any cause, are welcome.
Religion doesn't matter to me anymore. Can people at a meeting accept that?
The Compassionate Friends has no religious affiliation. You will find TCF members are very tolerant of any views. After the death of a child, many priorities, as well as values, change.
I have babysitting problems. Would it be all right to bring my five-year-old with me?
To provide an relaxing atmosphere for all, we ask that all meeting attendees be at least 18 years old.
My child died seven years ago, and I postponed my grief work. Now it's catching up with me. Is it too late to come now?
We all grieve differently. Many parents don't feel the need for a support group until years after the death of a child. It's all right to come whenever you are ready, whether it's soon after your child's death, months later, or years later.
How long do people come to meetings?
People attend meetings until they no longer feel a need. Some attend just a few meetings while many come for years. Some are so thankful for the helpful support they've received that they stay to help in chapter leadership so they can be there for the next persons who walk through the doors seeking help.
Why is it that TCF recommends that I attend three meetings before deciding if it's for me?
Often, the first meeting brings a lot of emotions to the surface and this may make the first meeting difficult. Some say that they bring home the pain of others after listening to their stories. Attending three meetings gives you time enough to allow your emotions to even out and to understand that in sharing there is healing. By attending three meetings you will also be able to observe the different dynamics of the group as different members attend and share.
____________________________________________________________________________________________________
The Grieving Process
Grief is a normal response to loss. But because most of us experience it deeply only a few times in our lives, it can be frightening and confusing. Grief is a powerful and sometimes overwhelming experience. It has both emotional and physical effects on us. Because grief is such a personal process, there is no "right way" to grieve. The important thing is to allow our feelings to flow and to talk - talk with someone who can really listen and allow us the time we need to talk or cry. "Being strong" will only make matters more difficult. To grieve is like suddenly being pushed into a cold and swiftly flowing river in which there are rapids and rocks and logs and other submerged objects. As we are carried along in the current, we bump into things in the river. Some of them hurt a lot and some are just annoying. Just as not two persons floating in a river will bump into the exact same things, no two people who grieve will experience exactly the same things. If we do the work of grief, we will be able to swim to the bank and climb out of the river.
Normal Feelings While Grieving
A feeling of numbness - no feelings at all.
A sense of abandonment and desolation.
A sense of protest - "No, this did not happen."
Loss of appetite, an empty feeling in the stomach or "nervous eating" even when not hungry.
Difficulty sleeping.
Guilt - awareness of aspects in the relationship that were less than perfect.
A feeling of "If only. . ."
Anger - at God, at the people around us, at the person who died for leaving us, at those who took care of the one who died, at things which did or did not happen in the relationship.
Restlessness and a desire to be busy, but difficulty in concentrating or finishing what is started.
Aimless activity and forgetfulness.
Wondering if you are "going crazy."
Searching for or expecting the loved one to walk in the door or call on the phone; hearing his or her voice; seeing his or her face; frequent dreaming about the loved one.
A need to tell and retell the details of the death.
Crying at unexpected times and experiencing mood changes for minor reasons.
A desire to remember and talk about life experiences with the loved one.
An awareness that other people are uncomfortable around us and don't know what to say for fear of "upsetting us."
A desire "not to be a bother" to other family members, while at the same time, needing to express the feelings of loss.
Difficulty enjoying special days, like birthdays, weddings, anniversaries and holidays. Feelings of loss seem acute at these times.